Bring us that beast midfielder who can dominate games like Jones dominates octagons!

So some posh hotel in Mayfair's got Jude spilling shite over dessert about the "real football" he misses, has he? Pull the other one.

Bellingham at Real eh?? Nah mate, we need a MIDFIELD GLADIATOR right here 🔥 someone who’ll murder them in the trenches while every fan sings “we are the champions” off key in the 87th 🙌 what if… Gakpo plays deeper?? Or even better—YOUNG JUDE LOOKING A LITTLE LOST 🤬 but wait… Jack what’s his name from Forest? Nooo, we need a BEAST who FEEDS on midfield blood like Jon feeds on belts 💪 either that or I’m moving to Houston just to watch him win… come oooon

You serious? Bellingham at Real? Jack who from Forest? Mate, let’s stop chasing unicorns and look at what actually moves the needle in that league. Ten Hag’s midfield is already a graveyard of half-paid talents—Casemiro’s gone, Eriksen’s ghosting us, Sabitzer’s on the bench like a spare tire. Adding another £80m youth package from Forest or fanciful mid-table “visionary”? That’s not winning, that’s hope dressed in a warm-up bib. We need someone who’s already buried three leagues under his boots—not a lad still wearing blinkers at U-23 level. Look at the timeline: seasons until 2027/28? Anybody over 25 is walking into a contract extension we can’t afford. And who fits that exact profile? Not Gakpo—he’s winger-shaped even when he jogs. Not any Forest fly-by-night either. I’ll bite anyway: one name that ticks every box, age included, at a wage you could recycle a few free-agent wages around. João Neves. Porto. 21. Six foot nothing. Half-inch more engine than Vieira at his peak. You want a midfield predator who scares the ball? He averaged more tackles per ninety than any teenage midfielder in the last two Elite League season. Porto’s loaning him out next window just to keep wages off their books. Ten Hag won’t touch a loan. So forget the dinner-party gossip—if the price stays south of £50m with a year left on his deal, we pounce or we look foolish come January.

Hear this—Bellingham’s champagne-talk is a wind-up, like the tabloids after a defeat, nothing more. But RetroGuy’s right to mock it; that Mayfair gossip is noise we don’t need when the trenches are still littered with undead Casemiros and Sabitzers. Still, John_Army’s spot-on about the hunger: we’re pining for a jawbreaker, someone who’ll chew the midfield like prime Jones on a belt. Not Gakpo—can’t see him in black if he’s still sprinting for the line like a winger. Same goes for those Forest scavengers; half their squad couldn’t organise a brewery visit let alone a counter-attack. That said, João Neves? Neat pick. Porto’s burning his contract down to kindling next year; if United pounce before the loans die, we’ve got ourselves a ball-slaying 21-year-old who won’t blab about “the grind” over dessert—he’ll deliver it. Just make sure the scout keeps the wallet shut until the medical lights stop flashing red.

You ever notice how the second we start craving a lion in midfield some plastic poser starts whispering about “youth development” and “building from within” like we’re still stuck in the Moyes era🔥 Nah mate, we need a MIDFIELD MONSTER who’ll slap ten Hag into next week while the Stretford faithful belt out “Glory” in broken time 🙌 Bellingham blabbing about the grind? That’s just posh boys rubbing their noses in paperwork like it’s the Champions League final 😱 we’re United, we eat paperwork for breakfast and shit trophies João Neves? That boy’s got more engine than a London Underground at rush hour 💪 Six foot of pure demolition—Porto already said next season they’re loaning him out just to keep his wages from sinking the ship, so if Ten Hag drags his feet again we grab him before some Saudi prince turns his bedroom into a trophy cabinet Forget Gakpo—needs a private jet to reach the box, not our trenches ⚰️ and those Forest “diamonds”? Half of them would get mugged for their own laces Bring us João now or I’m tattooing my season ticket onto my forehead and moving to Porto to watch him single-handedly bury City every week 😤

So what’s this obsession with João Neves before we’ve even sorted the bread-and-butter issues? Porto loan him out next January and the lad’s already toast before we pay a single quid for the privilege—meanwhile United’s midfield still smells like Sabitzer’s dirty boots in those plastic crates under the away kit racks. You lot act like Ten Hag’s got a blank cheque while typing “£50m” into a calculator. Bellingham’s “dinner-party gossip” beats any Porto scout’s PowerPoint presentation about a kid whose tackles per 90 are buried in some spreadsheet between “drive-time playlist depth” and “number of pre-season friendly goals conceded by defensive partners who parked the bus in U-18s.” And seriously, John_Army, you’re fantasising about Young Jude in black again? That lad went AWOL the second Chelsea put the screws on—still hasn’t rediscovered the midfield with two lungs and a heart. Transfer window’s a meat grinder; we don’t need another ghost from last season’s clearance rack. Porto already have Neves earmarked for a January exit, so the moment he ticks a scout’s box United will be outbid by either Barcelona (who’ll sell Pedri in week one to fund the move) or Bayern (who’ll wrap him in Lederhosen and give him a 5-year contract just to watch him shatter every tackle record inside three games). Either way, we get left with the invoice and a press release that reads “portfolio investment” while Ten Hag squeezes his next presser between a gluten-free muffin and a latte foam art tutorial. Bring me a midfield gladiator? Fine. But let’s not mistake a shiny 21-year-old Porto dynamo for a guaranteed solution when the real mess is sitting in the dugout wearing a £10k raincoat and drawing touch-line diagrams like a toddler with a crayon.

you ever seen a lad like Neves on that pitch wearing actual United colours? i mean really watched him, boots digging divots into the turf while the ball just... dissolves around his feet like he’s got a personal black hole in those shin pads i don’t need some scout spreadsheet to tell me hunger, i need someone who’ll stand in the rain for ninety minutes and come out dripping with blood—not metaphorically, literally—and still have the legs to ping a 60-yard diagonal to Garnacho in the dying seconds like it’s nothing. not the theoretical “engine,” but the sheer spite when the other lot are already counting seconds on the clock. remember Paul Pogba? not the dancing outside-back phase with glitter hair, the one who’d win every second-ball battle in February against Sunderland while half the pub back home were still trying to open the radiator for warmth. came in at 21, cost £80m (old money, but still), and suddenly every touch in midfield felt like we’d stolen a playstation controller off united. that’s the juice we’re after—not another Porto loan that turns into a farewell party the moment the medical shows a twinge. joão neves might be 21, but he’s already buried three leagues worth of bodies under his laces while they were still booking jerseys. the lad’s not “portfolio investment,” he’s a “hold my pint” signing. sure, the scout will have to move quick before Bayern’s leather-clad suits finish their second espresso, but if we dither he’ll end up in some manager’s fourth-choice 4-3-1-2 system at Bayern and we’ll be left pining for a midfielder who actually enjoys making challenges instead of side-stepping them like he’s avoiding a parking ticket. ah well, we’ll see

Makes total sense—catching João in black before the January rumours take flight is priority one, but has anyone actually watched Porto’s 0-1 defeat at Sporting on 3rd November? Neves didn’t just motor round their midfield like it was standing still; he was practically gluing himself to Palhinha’s heels while the guy hunted every loose ball like it’d personally insulted his nan. By the 65th minute, he’d already put two tackles in from behind that nearly ended with red cards. Ten Hag wants a surgeon, we need a butcher—and Porto’s happy to loan him out because they’re basically running an auction warehouse next summer. So yeah, press the alarm now or I’m booking my stand seats in Lisbon for his “Porto farewell” game.

still got the old plymouth argyle thread from 2019 burned on my retinas like a bad curry, the one where they were wheeling out some 19-year-old portuguese kid with a youtube channel that had two tackles in it, only for him to trip over his own laces in the pre-season friendly and vanish faster than the club's sunday league subsidy check time will tell